


One can't be two

by Galaxxii_B4be



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, I really hate tagging, I really tried, Little book spoiler for anyone who hasn't finished it yet, M/M, May be a bit OOC, also not stable, but I do as the writer heheHEH, nobody knows what's going on, sorry simon, soulmate wise, this is kind of dramatic fo no reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 10:50:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19197283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galaxxii_B4be/pseuds/Galaxxii_B4be
Summary: Simon and Baz have a serious falling out and Penelope is there to do what she can.OrI read so many stories where soulmates are already the norm, so I thought, what if they were to sprout out of the blue? What would that first couple be like? What if they were Simon and Baz?EDIT: The second chapter is a small announcement and apology <3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever snowbaz fic, so if the characters don't seem accurate, I apologise. It also means I will be extremely disappointed, for I have read the book countless of times and I should know my shit like a good little girl (ʘᴗʘ✿)
> 
> Also! I'm not English. I'm an American so apologies if I... blatantly wag my American flag in your faces 
> 
> But please! Sit back! Relax! Or not! I cannot tell you what to do! And enjoy my shit! 
> 
>  
> 
> or not :)

**Penelope**

Simon is a complete wreck. Lately, he's been quiet. Scary quiet. He's also been avoiding me. Every time I try to approach him he just acts like I'm not there. He comes up with some excuse to leave the room or the flat, just because he doesn't want to be around. 

The worst part is, I know why he's doing it. Baz hasn't been around for nearly a full month. That's a vast difference from the usual, which is them snuggling on the couch a good four days out of every week. Now it's like he's just up and disappeared. I have Baz's number of course, but the way Simon is acting is just screaming for me to stay out of it. No matter how bad I don't want to. 

As long as I've known Simon, he's never acted like this. When the road was bumpy with Agatha, he simply acted as if nothing was wrong and everything was fine. It's a different situation, seeing as Simon wasn't in love with Agatha back then like how he is now with Baz. 

Simon's way too dispatched from the world. Too dispatched from me. He's not talking, which means he's doing a lot of thinking, and Simon doesn't like to think. 

He's shutting me out and shutting himself in, it's unfamiliar. And it hurts. 

We have a pact. No secrets. But he's totally ignoring it. Simon's problems are my problems, yet I can't even get close enough to sort things out with him. 

Usually, he speaks his mind when him and Baz get into it. (It's a normal couple thing but of course more expected since they were at each other's throats for a good seven years.) Simon goes on and on about why Baz is wrong for whatever reason, along with my input, and then it flushes out of his system. You know, I don't even think he's talked to his therapist about all of this.

But this is far larger than an ordinary lover's spat. It's making him act different, and I can see how much it's hurting him. 

The last thing I need to do is force him to talk about it. It just seems like a shitty thing to do. (I _know_ it's a shitty thing to do.) So of course, at my wit's end, I call Agatha. 

Agatha still doesn't know about their relationship considering they've been together for well over a year now. She doesn't talk to Simon or Baz, the same goes for her asking about them. So, being the respectful woman I am, I don't talk about them. Plus, besides Simon, Agatha is my second closest friend. She's there when I need her, even if we don't always agree.

It's a bit late when I call her, a quarter till eleven, but she answers rather quickly considering it's only noon there. When she does, I make sure to speak first.

"Agatha!" 

"Penelope," she says with a curious tone. "It's pretty late there. Is everything all right?"

"All right with me, not all right with Simon," I say. 

"What's wrong with Simon?" She shifts on the other side of the line. She must be in bed. 

"Well he-," I pause for a moment, thinking about whether I should tell her about them now. As much as I don't want to lie to Agatha, I don't want to tell her about their relationship without permission. It's for the greater good. 

"He's been acting strange," I settle with. 

"Well, of course. We're talking about our Simon Snow, right?" 

"Definitely, yeah, but he's acting stranger than strange, Agatha." 

"Hmm...too strange?"

" _Far_ too _strange_." I make sure to exaggerate the 'far' and emphasize the 'strange'.

"How so?" 

"Well," I go for it. "He's in a relationship and has been for awhile. Recently, things are getting rough. They had a big fight and now he won't talk to me. He's weirdly quiet and keeping to himself, and you and I both know Simon doesn't do that. He's the type to make a fuss about it or act like nothing is happening. But he's doing the total opposite! He's avoiding me and the problem he's having with his relationship is clearly crowding his mind. I thought you might know what I could do. You're the only other person Simon has been with in his entire life, so..."

I take a deep breath and wait for Agatha to reply. 

"Honestly, Pen?" I wait for her to continue. "I don't know what to tell you." Perfect. 

"Absolutely nothing?" 

"I mean, Simon is complicated in his own simplistic way. When we were together--well--we're in the same boat, Penny. What I'm hearing from you so far, I'm not familiar with myself. And although I've dated him, you know him better than me." 

She's right. I was his first friend and everything. I should know how to handle this situation better than her, but I'm at a lost. I sigh. 

"I'm sorry I couldn't be of any help." 

"No, Agatha, you're fine. You're completely right, too." 

At this point, I'm not sure whether we're on the same track or not. We both sigh at the same time. For a moment, I wonder if calling Agatha was the wrong thing to do, or if it was even welcomed. I'm sure she's way past their split, I mean, she was the one who initiated it. Not only that, but she has a new boyfriend herself! Or, boyfriends. She's had a few. I can no longer keep track. For all I know, Agatha could be contemplating on just hanging up in my face. That this is the end of our conversation and that she really could care less about Simon's romantic struggles. She wouldn't be that cruel, would she? Sure, our friendship is all over the place, but I'm one hundred percent certain that she doesn't hate Simon. I shouldn't think so low of her. 

"What about his girlfriend? Are you close? Have you reached out to her?" 

Right, this is Agatha Wellbelove. I nearly chuckle.

"I'm afraid that'd be crossing some sort of boundary."

"Since when are you afraid of crossing boundaries? Especially when it comes to Simon?"

"There are just some that are completely off limits," I quip. "For example, do you ever miss him?"

I can basically see Agatha's face flushing with embarrassment.

"Oh, you're very funny." She sounds breathless. "But, the answer is quite obvious." 

I pause. "You miss him?" 

"Loads." 

"But- Agatha, _you_ broke up with-"

"No, as a friend! I miss both of you! Even if you two are insufferable. At least you're no longer nearly getting yourselves killed." 

I find myself smiling. "We miss you too, Aggie. Maybe after this whole thing passes, we can come up with something. I just hope it passes soon, you know? For Simon and…" 

I trail off, still not trusting it. Agatha doesn't seem to be stirred by it but continues on with the initial subject.

"Have you tried talking to him?" she asks. It's almost a whisper. 

"That's the thing, he obviously doesn't want to talk to me." She goes silent and so do I. 

"Well, Simon doesn't always want what he needs." 

I may have failed my family name just now. I may or may not be the most foolish Bunce to ever live. _Honestly_ , did the years and years of friendship Simon and I build up just get tossed in the bin? The smile I'm sporting is borderline sheepish. 

"You're a genius, Agatha!" I sit up fast in my bed, sending a nearby pillow crashing to the floor. 

"I am?" 

"You definitely are! I can't believe I didn't think about that, not even once! Thank you!"

"You're welcome," she says with a smile I can hear. 

"You know, Agatha, you really should come visit us soon. We could hang out and go for coffee and visit all the shopping centers." It's not something I usually do on my own, but I'm sure she'd enjoy it. "Plus, the boys wouldn't mind seeing you."

"The boys?" 

"Yeah, anyway, I need to talk to Simon right away before he does anything crazy. I'll text you later." 

"Oh--okay--tell me if..." she hesitates. "Tell me how things go, if he lets you. Good night, Penny."

"Goodbye, Agatha." I hang up and immediately head for Simon's room. Of course, the doors shut, and there doesn't seem to be any noise emitting from it. I give a brisk knock and wait for a reply. There isn't one. 

"Simon?" I call out.

Still nothing. 

"Are you asleep?" I ask, looking down at the door to see the lights are indeed off. Just to make sure, I cautiously open the door, peeking in ever so slightly. It's really dark at first, but the window is open as always, and the light from the corridor seeps in. Simon is sprawled out on his bed, sheets only covering his ankles. (He never really sleeps with them on anymore. He's always been one to enjoy the cold, and his wings get in the way. It's a mess.)

The talk can wait till morning, and I'll make sure to make him a hot and filling breakfast. It's great that he's sleeping though. He hasn't been getting any. I can tell from the dark circles forming under his eyes. He must be really exhausted. 

"Oh, Simon..." I walk in and shut the door behind me. I crawl into bed with him, not bothering to pull the sheets up. I can handle the chill for one night. (Maybe more.) Besides, his body is warm enough. I make sure to lift up his wing before I wrap my arms around his head and bring him to my chest. He's a heavy sleeper, but he manages to grab me by the waist and pull me closer. 

He really needed a hug. 

And I guess I did, too. I'm also more tired than I realise, because I fall asleep in a matter of minutes.

 

 

When I wake up, Simon is still asleep. Checking my phone, I see that it's only eight. During the night, we must've changed positions. He's now laying on top of me. Just my luck. I really wanted to surprise him with the breakfast. Simon sleeps like a log, but a good shoving could easily wake him. 

Surprisingly, it doesn't. He moans and his brows knit together, but he doesn't wake. 

And he doesn't wake until one. 

I expected him to be up by ten, so I started cooking at eight thirty. Everything I made had to be put in the oven, but of course I could use **Some like it hot** to reheat it. I got hungry, but I didn't want to touch what I made for us without him being there. 

I settled for a small bowl cereal. 

Simon didn't come out the moment he woke up, the first thing he did was take shower, which was well around forty five minutes. I didn't actually see him until two. 

When he stepped out, he looked better. A little better. His face didn't look as drawn as it did yesterday, and the circles under his eyes were less visible. 

He looks surprised to see me basically waiting in front of his door.

"Sleep well?" I ask. He avoids my gaze. 

"Alright. You?" It's a rush past his lips. He still doesn't want to talk. He needs it though. I know he does. 

"Are you hungry?" 

"Always." He forces a smile. I almost think about skipping the meal and going straight to the problem. 

He eats like he hasn't eaten in days. Nothing new, but at the same time, it looks like he doesn't want to eat as fast as he is. He's stuttering with his movements, as if he'll throw it all up at any moment. I don't tell him to slow down or tell him to pause for a drink. I let him do what he wants. And I try to ease into this. 

Ease into him. 

Finally, he finishes everything and puts down his cup. I can already see him moving to leave. 

"Thanks for the food, Penny. It was all amazing."

"Simon-" I grab his arm, gently but firm. To let him know I'm here for him, and that he needs to stop avoiding what he has to face. 

"Not now, Penny." He's facing away.

"Come on, Simon. Im worried," I say softly.

"Not now." 

I move down to his hand. He finally looks at me. But there are tears in his eyes. 

"Please?" His voice is weak. And he's even weaker. 

"If not now, when?" I whisper.

This has gone on for too long. I need to know what's going on between him and Baz. What's actually happening. For him to reach this point, it's more serious than ever. He might not want it, but he needs this. He needs an actual conversation. He needs to talk this out and speak his mind. 

"Bottling it all up isn't healthy, Simon." I stand up and he sighs. He suddenly looks like he didn't sleep at all. "Here, let's move to the couch." 

I let him set the pace for this, as much as I can, anyway.

"You've been struggling," I say. 

He doesn't say anything. 

"Listen, Simon. I don't know what's going on between you and Baz, but whatever it is, it's clearly tearing you apart. I might not know the gist of it, but what I do know is that you can't go on like this any longer. You can speak to me. You know I'm willing to listen." I squeeze his hand. "I'm always here for you. So, go ahead. Let me know what's on your mind."

He breathes in. He breathes out. He squeezes back. And then the tears fall. I can feel my eyes start to burn, too, just from the sight of him. As much as I've come to like Baz, in this moment all I can think is dark thoughts at him. Whatever's going on, it has to be his fault. It has to be. I place my hand on the back of his neck and pull him into another hug. He holds tight onto my arm like a child, and I let him. I let him cry into my chest. I rake my fingers through his hair, whispering apologies. 

He's crying like that time the Mage died. I remove my glasses. I'm crying too, just not as much. 

All I can do right now is hold him. Resisting the urge to call Baz and give him a piece of my mind. I don't tell him that everything will work out. I don't tell him that everything will be okay and that he doesn't have to worry. The only thing I do is apologise, and after a while, he starts apologising too. 

"What for?" I ask.

"I'm sorry for avoiding you," he shivers. 

"Simon, you don't have to apologise for that. It's not as important as right now." I move into a more comfortable position. I scoot back until my back hits the armrest and Simon settles with his head in my lap. He's died down to labored breaths and occasional sniffles. He won't open his eyes.

I smooth his hair out of his face. I do it until he's gathered enough energy to speak.

"Baz." He says his name so sadly. He says it like he's calling out to him. "It's like we're back at Watford." 

"How so?" 

"We were arguing more and more. And over stupid things, you know? I...I just don't know what's going on, Penny. And I fucked up. I ruined everything."

"I doubt that." 

He sighs.

"He got pissed and tried to walk out, and I tried to stop him. I told him I was sorry and I begged and I pleaded and he wouldn't listen to me."

I feel my face pinch up. "How come?" I try.

"What?" 

"The argument. What happened that got him so angry?" 

Simon lifts his head and opens his eyes to look up at me. They're the stormiest shade of blue I've ever seen. He makes a face like he's in pain. He's wincing, so I shake my head and pat his back. 

"You don't have to tell me." Simon blinks. "You don't. So what happened next?" 

He lays his head back down and grips at the fabric of my shirt. "At the door, before he left, he turned to me and told me if I knew that this wasn't going to work out, I shouldn't have saved him back then. He told me he'd have been better off dead-" 

He was choking up. He was speaking too fast. If Simon still had magic, he would've gone off a dozen times by now. 

"Slow down," I say. "Take your time." He takes a minute to breathe and so do I. 

"You should've seen the look in his eyes," He starts again, slower this time. "It was like that night, when I stopped him from killing himself. It looked like he was thinking about it again and I didn't have the power in me to stop him from walking out that door. I tried giving him time. I gave him some space. Two weeks was all I could manage before I tried to contact him, Penny, but he blocked me. My calls won't get through, and neither will my messages.

"He's cut me off completely. It's over and it's all my fault. He's never there when I show up at his place and I'm scared, Penny! I love him so much it hurts!" He sits up abruptly. His face is red and his cheeks are wet and I don't have time to take everything else in because he darts for the bathroom. I'm hot on his tail of course.

I rub his back as he empties most of the food I made into the toilet. 

I get him a glass of water.

I get him an aspirin because he doesn't want me to use magic. 

He's quiet through it all, and when everything has settled down, he's just gone. He's drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness and I grab my phone to dial 999, because he won't stop shivering and he's pale and he's not breathing right. 

He isn't okay and he can't hear me. 

I can't get through to him.

Before I know it, instead of 999, I'm calling Baz. The rational part of my brain, most of it, is telling me that he isn't going to answer. It's telling me that it's not even going to ring because he's probably blocked me, too, and that I'm wasting my time. 

But it does ring. 

And he does answer. 

 

 

**Baz**

When I got a call from Bunce, I was laying in bed, pulling out my own hair and wishing for death to get it over with already. I was the closest to dying I've ever been, I'm sure of it. It was worse than that time with the numpties and that dreadful coffin. Far worse. 

I didn't exactly know what was going on, but I had a feeling my mother had finally used all of the power she had in the afterlife to break through the veil despite the fact that it was thicker than ever. I was convinced she was trying to kill me herself, once and for all. At the time, it didn't sound idiotic. It does now, though, considering everything I've been through. Especially on her terms. Fiona's, as well. She was hysterical when I told her. 

"Now that's just disrespectful rubbish," she had said.

The rest of it was realistic. The dying part. I saw no reason as to why I couldn't be dying. Vampire or not, I was insanely weak. 

I never get terribly ill. That's Snow's thing; catching colds in the summer. I on the other hand wasn't too familiar with it. At least, I haven't been for a long while. I could tell it was different from just being sick. (If I were sick, at least one of the many spells Fiona has tried on me would've landed.) There was no sniffling or sneezing. No runny nose or cough. My throat wasn't scratchy. I wasn't heated with a fever. I can't exactly remember what a fever feels like, but my point is, I didn't have one. 

If anything, I had the exact opposite of one. 

My body, although scarce of temperature to begin with, was remarkably cold. Instead of an itch in my throat, there was a burn. I was familiar with this burn. It happened when I was thirsty, as well as the ache in my teeth. But no matter how much I drank, it wouldn't go away. It only got worse. 

And that wasn't all of it. There was the vertigo, the fatigue, the strain in my chest, like someone was sitting on it. It was like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. Like my soul was slowly being physically removed from my body.

It was short of excruciating. 

Quite pathetically, if you ask me, all I could think about was Snow. It wasn't a surprise, either, but it wasn't what I wanted. It seemed to me after all this time, in the end, I could never really be happy. 

I don't think it was meant for me. 

Snow was there, then he wasn't. Really, he was always there, wherever I went, be it in person or in thought. But now, he didn't want to be. Him not wanting me now feels different from him not wanting me before. It hurts more, knowing that he knows what it's like to be with me, to be an us, and that he could care less. 

The past me wouldn't give a single fuck what Snow thought of him, or at least try to convince himself he didn't. But present me, walking around full of holes, can quickly admit that he's quite literally my everything. 

If Snow didn't care then nothing mattered. 

"You're being dramatic." Is what he'd tell me if he were here right now.

And 'if he were here' Snow is right. I am. But what's new? 

Anyhow, I don't know why I answer when I do. It might be because I'm barely in my right mind anymore.

Bunce's voice over the phone is just as ardent as it is in person. If there was her, Snow was somewhere close by. Who's to say he wasn't using her phone to get to me? However, that was just wishful thinking. Idiotic, impractical, wishful thinking. 

She speaks before I can groan, overpowering me in an instant. 

"It's an emergency," she says. I keep quiet, waiting for her to elaborate. "He's-" She pauses again. I can hear her pacing. Then, I note the crying. "You have to come quick, please. I don't know what to do." 

Slowly, I sit up in my bed, a sense of panic rising inside me like bile itself. If it was a different person, Bunce playing the pronoun game would really piss me off. But it could only be Snow. 

It didn't help that all sorts of bad thoughts were flooding into my head at the moment, simply because of Bunce's last words. 

"I don't know what to do," she repeats. 

"I'm on my way." I haven't heard my own voice in a few days. It's nothing like it usually is. It's barely even there. 

"Please hurry." 

"Don't let him do anything stupid," I snap. 

I end the call before she can say anything else. I move to slide off the bed, and my hand catches on the teacup on the nightstand and it shatters onto the floor. Fiona is in the room in seconds.

"What on Earth are you doing?" 

"Simon," I mumble.

"What?" 

"I have to go." 

Before Fiona asks anymore questions, she's grabbing my hand and pulling me to my feet, minding the ceramic. I'm not sure I'd feel it if I did step on it. 

"Need me to drive you?" 

I sway slightly, and then I nod.

"Come on, then. It's about time you take your arse over there to settle things. I was beginning to feel bad about lying to his face whenever he came to the door. Good thing he could never tell," she chuckles. "Years of practice, I guess." 

I'm already dragging my weight towards the door with Fiona's aid. It's hard to walk. It's hard to do anything at this point. 

But he's in trouble, and I'd risk a lifetime for his. 

 

 

 

Bunce is still crying when the door swings open. She's still in panic mode, hair a mess, glasses missing from their usual place on her nose. 

I don't know how Fiona got me here so fast. I don't remember much of what happened after I slipped on my shoes. The car ride was a blur. It all just seemed like white noise. 

When I step in, I nearly fall into Bunce's arms. 

I do, actually. She startles, but catches me nonetheless, trying to hold my body upright. Once she gets me settled, I lean back against the closed door behind me for purchase. 

"Basilton! What the hell happened to you? You look terrible!"

I don't tell her that I feel terrible. I don't tell her that there's darkness along the edges of my vision, either. 

"What's going on?" she asks, looking utterly lost. I would pity her if I weren't so focused on Simon. I can feel him, ever so close. 

I can smell him. 

I can see him, in my head, sitting on the floor by himself. 

I would be crying if I allowed it. 

I'm walking before I know it, moving without any real sense of direction. I try to focus on him, where I see him, where I sense him, hoping it'll all merge together in some form of answer. Bunce is right behind me, arms out in case I choose to fall into them again. Instead, I collapse against the back of the couch, hearing myself sneer at how weak I really am. 

I just need enough energy to get to him. 

That's all I ask. 

"How did you manage to get here? Can you walk?" 

"Where's he?" I ask, disregarding her questions. My words a slurred together. My mouth feels full of cotton. So does my head. And my ears. So much so that the next words Bunce say, I can't hear them at all. Even with the fact that I'm a vampire, she speaks like she's underwater. 

Still, I go. I start moving in a now set direction with a clear destination. I guess my body heard her. It's rare times like this where I'm thankful for it. 

In seconds, I'm at the bathroom, standing briefly in the door frame as my eyes finally land on him. I say briefly because I lose my balance once I do. My knees buckle underneath me. Bunce doesn't catch me this time. I crawl towards him, because I can't walk. Because I have to get to him. 

He doesn't see me, somehow. Not yet. 

Looking at him now, I realize I never should have walked out that door. 

His blue eyes are dull.

His tawny skin is pale. 

His bronze curls are a muddy brown. 

He looks small against the expanse of his wings. From the moles I can see, their outlines are blurred, almost like they're disappearing. It's as if all that shivering he's doing is loosening them up enough for them to fade away on their own. It's at this moment that I can't tell if I'm losing my ability to see color or if I'm losing him completely. 

"Simon," I say, and I grab his hand, on first touch, as cold as mine. 

At first, it's like a shock. Then, it's a wave. And then I can actually breathe. Suddenly, he's holding me. Or I'm holding him. We're holding each other. I can't help but wonder how I could feed the thought of death when Simon Snow wants to hold me like this. With his fingers pressed hard into my back, and his nose buried into my neck, and his chest pressed against mine. 

Our hearts are in sync. 

In Simon's arms, I could allow myself to forget what it felt like to be cold. He was so immensely warm. No amount of blankets or magic or fire could bring me this soothing warmth. I could feel all of my holes being filled. The seemingly unquenchable thirst that had overcome me vanishes more and more the longer I hold him. I take my time taking him in, the Simon I was familiar with. The brightness, the heat, the smell of bacon and homemade cinnamon buns. 

I've always correlated Simon Snow with life itself.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, uh, to everyone who actually remembers this, I am soooo sorry. Here's what happened! 

I'm going to be honest! I'm really bad at being a good writer. I totally planned to write a second chapter for y'all, but then I started losing motivation, and the bad thoughts started coming, which were despite y'alls positive feedback, there was no use in writing more because it sucks anyway. And that happens to me a LOT so I'm sorry I let it get the best of me. 

I also did that dumb thing that you all might be familiar with? You know? The thing where you start working on another work even though you have a thousand and one others that aren't complete? Yeah. But!! I am working on my first Carry On like,,long,,,thing,what. It's itS BIG okay it's much longer than anything else I've put out. So that took a lot of my time and attention and I was just sOOo distracted. 

I also wrote the second chapter 3 times already, but I deleted all of them bc none of them seemed good enough. 

All in all, I'm not gonna sit here and say I PROMISE a second chapter, because I don't, but I really really really want to write one for y'all and I'll do my best to try :) 

Please don't forget that I'm a dumb bitch as well

(WhY are there notes after this I'm such a fetus please ignore that)

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha 
> 
> I'm so sorry for whatever that is, but I thank y'all for reading it till the end. I thrive off of feedback, so please let me know if you enjoyed it by leaving comments and/or kudos :) 
> 
> BY THE WAY based on readers response, I may write a second chapter that focuses on the aftermath of this, which will be from Simon's POV. Obviously, although I hope I didn't disappoint y'all, this doesn't really directly touch on the topic of soulmates, so it may seem a bit incomplete, but I think it can stand on it's own, at least at first. But! I won't write it unless y'all want it, so let me know (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧


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